Yes, I realized today that although I am living with a chronic pain condition & raising 2 small children, it is still possible to create & to appreciate beauty. These thoughts return to me in spring after a long desolate painful winter. Sometimes u just have to say what the fuck, I'm not letting my preconceived notions of what this or that is "supposed" to be get in my way, I'm gonna make motherhood my own journey, I'm gonna proceed in spite of this never-ending pain. I always feel like the soccer moms & proper old ladies are staring at me, judging me. Sunday I was gonna go to church w/my parents & brother & sister for Easter service (just to be pleasing), and Teague, my almost-2-yr-old, was too intent on going up & down the steps, I knew if I tried to remove him & make him sit still, he'd just screech and holler, & there is no nursery at the church right now, so I took him home & left Renzi, my 4-yr-old, w/my mom & dad. He needs to be exposed to all different modes of thought anyway. I cried after I left. I could feel those dogmatic, depressing old-fashioned notions about what a child is supposed to do & how a child is supposed to behave in church assaulting me via esp as soon as I got into that place, & I had to let my anger out. Teaugie fell asleep before I even got home. Sometimes the notion of teaching my kids about God & the cosmos seems too huge to tackle. I was raised Lutheran, & now I'm ... well, I don't know what to call it other than a Progressive Christian who likes the Unitarian Universalist Church & sees beauty, truth & value in all the world's great spiritual teachings. I'm open to new ideas. I'm not all bogged down by dogma or religion. I prefer spirituality. But my kids are so little, I don't know how to explain a lot of things to them right now, but I do my best. Anyway, there is so much room for exploration and questioning. I was glad I didn't end up having to sit through a Lutheran Easter service after all.

But, anyway, I am trying so hard right NOW to decide how I am going to make my life matter to ME. Lately I've been bogged down in my pain & the anger that comes from knowing it will always be a part of my life until a cure for fibromyalgia is discovered. I am angry that I can't legally smoke pot to help ease my symptoms. I won't do anything to jeopardize my kids' stable home, so I'm pretty much just hurting all the time. I struggle with believing I chose this path for myself before I came into this life, but I do see how I have many lessons to learn from this life experience.

Here is something I really like:

Cool.

This entry has been exceedingly rambling, random, yet...a true reflection of my mental state of late.